What Resentment Can Teach Us About Boundaries
Have you ever found yourself feeling irritated, frustrated, or even angry with someone—only to realize you never actually told them how you felt in the first place? That slow, simmering emotion you’re feeling might be resentment. And while it’s uncomfortable, resentment can actually be a powerful messenger.
It often points us to a deeper truth: our boundaries have been crossed—or never set at all.
What Is Resentment, Really?
Resentment is a complex emotion that often builds over time. It can arise when we say yes when we really mean no, when we prioritize others’ needs at the expense of our own, or when we feel taken for granted in relationships. Instead of expressing our needs or limits clearly, we might suppress our feelings to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or preserve a connection we’re afraid to lose.
But over time, these small acts of self-abandonment can add up—and resentment is the red flag waving in the background saying: Something’s not right here.
How Boundaries Play a Role
Boundaries are the invisible lines that define what is okay and not okay for us. They help us feel safe, respected, and emotionally balanced. When we struggle to set or hold boundaries—especially if we have a history of relational trauma—it can feel easier (or safer) to stay silent, ignore our discomfort, or overextend ourselves.
The problem is, when our boundaries are consistently crossed—by others or by ourselves—resentment grows. We might start blaming the other person, but often, we’re also frustrated with ourselves for not speaking up or honouring our own needs.
A Trauma-Informed Perspective
If you’ve experienced childhood or relational trauma, you may have learned that having needs was unsafe or that saying no led to rejection or conflict. Your nervous system might associate boundary-setting with danger, so it makes sense that you avoid it—even when part of you knows it’s needed.
The good news is: boundaries are a skill we can practice. And resentment? It can be a helpful internal cue that something needs attention.
Turning Resentment Into Self-Awareness
Here are a few questions to gently explore if you’re noticing resentment in a relationship:
Where am I feeling obligated or overextended?
Have I been clear about my needs or limits?
Am I expecting someone to read my mind or “just know” what I need?
What boundary might I need to set to take care of myself?
These aren’t always easy questions, especially if you’re used to putting others first. But they can be the beginning of a shift—from resentment to self-respect.
You Deserve Relationships That Feel Mutual and Safe
Learning to recognize and honour your boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s essential for your well-being. And if resentment is showing up in your life right now, it might be a sign that it’s time to reconnect with what you need.
At Lokahi Wellness Collective, I support adults who are ready to break free from old relational patterns and create healthier boundaries—without guilt or shame. Whether you’re navigating burnout, anxiety, people-pleasing, or the effects of childhood or relational trauma, our work together can help you build more self-trust and emotional safety from the inside out.
If this speaks to you, I’d love to connect. You can learn more about my approach or book a free consultation to see if we’re a good fit.
You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to change. And you’re allowed to build a life that feels good for you.